meh.

Life's been suckin.

I guess I've been reading too many "fantasy books" (actually I only read one "4th grade level" book).  But it kind of confirmed what I've... been looking for I guess.  Like, the book and a bunch of other ones, there's always a group of friends.  And I think what I really want is just to be able to live a life with a bigger purpose.  Maybe not saving the whole world..  but I wanna make a difference.  And... I don't want to do it alone.  I'm pretty sick of being alone all the time.  People always say like.. "oh you have your sister" but honestly.. our family is kinda just like.. separated- we don't really do much together; heck. we don't even celebrate Christmas. 

I want to live a life that's more down to earth.  I honestly wouldn't mind living a life without all this fancy technology- no internet, no computers, and dare I say it, no electricity.  Man that's ironic, seeing that I'm a guy that loves computers and 3D animation/visual effects, and computer science.  But I really mean it.  Maybe I should unplug for a while... 

But think about it.  If we didn't have technology, wouldn't our communities be so much closer?  Maybe, we wouldn't have to greet our neighbors in the morning with just a smile- ashamed inside that we didn't really know their name, or what kind of person they really are.  Call me weird, but I'm kind of looking forward to dorming.  It's not so much as to get out of the house or get away from my parents.  I just want to stop the emptiness that I feel every time I come home.  I remember feeling it after 8th grade social, after multiple church retreats, after the Disneyland trip for band last year, heck, even after jazz band- where Mr. E likes to make fun of me all the time.  (though I do do some pretty dumb stuff. and I'd rather just take the blows so other members don't get called out as much) 

But yeah.. Pretty much after any of these events, I always get home, go into my empty room, and the situation is always: now what?  It's as if the event evaporated and all I'm left with is an intangible memory. 

Sigh. it's late.  But what the heck.  I didn't even have homework today.  Spent the whole afternoon / night finishing up the book.  I think it was worth it :)

Maybe I'll just come online from now on just to blog. 
Maybe it'll keep me more sane.

Goodnight.  Sweet dreams, whoever you may be.